Speaking of, it's February. Wow. I feel it was only yesterday that we were welcoming 2010 and now a month has passed by (and personally, I am just glad January is over). Don't get me wrong, I am not really a fan of February especially that in a matter of days, it'll be Valentine's day yet again and I am still single and without any prospect so to speak. It's just that January was a looong month for me. I won't dwell on it, but anyway, I am just so glad that it's over.

Now, February always makes me think of my exes. For some reason, I've never had any special dates with any of them during Valentine's. I actually don't find it strange, it's just that it's never happened and then and now, I've been fine with it. Earlier, one of the conversations I've had with people from work was about exes -- are we still in touch with them, friends with them, even, and if so, is that ok?

Honestly, I am still friends with my exes. I still keep in touch with them but not on a regular basis, just that when they say hi, I say hi back. It's not like we remained friends right after the break-ups, it took time, but we got past that and reconnected just as friends. I dunno, 3 of the 4 are already married and with kids. And these all happened right after they met me. In more ways than one, I feel like I am the female Good Luck Chuck. It's not that I think I still have any relevance or influence on my exes' present, but it just feels weird that after all these time, they're now all married while I'm still single. I am not sure if it's just me they didn't feel getting married to, or if it was me who was not keen on that idea back then. Nevertheless, I am happy for all of them and I am happy for me too.

In all honesty, I think 2010 is my year. I will make a fearless forecast, this will be the year I will meet the person who will want to be with me for a lifetime. It's a bold declaration but I am owning this year as the year I will finally find someone who will only want more of me. And I would know when I've met him. I will just say yes.

So here I am putting my thoughts and feelings into paper as I used to do so well and so often. Since Ananya came, I've had less time to do these retrospective thinking by way of writing. Or maybe I've had less drama to even want to take time and just sit and think and write. Normally drama makes me want to do that. So now, there must be some drama brewing then.

True. My life is such one soap opera. The one that would get all the sappy, melodramatic viewers. The one where you either laugh and cry and sometimes do both at the same time. Unbeknownst to most people, I hide these little bits and pieces of drama in my life and only let my inner audience enjoy and critic it. My life would make good TV, too bad, I never have it broadcasted. I find it a lot easier to keep things until I absolutely have no choice but let it out.

Lately, something has been bothering me. That something is nothing new to me. Been there, done that. And to have to be going through the same thing again makes me feel such a retard. One who just keeps doing things over and over again and expecting different results everytime. And here I am thinking I know better and that I honestly have figured things out. Apaprently, I have not learned my lesson. Or I have but have deliberately forgotten about it with the thought of wanting to be the old me again. Crapshit. Now I understand why I wanted to be different. Why I had to be different. I didn't want that old me anymore.

I don't know what else to say. And I am running out of words. I don't feel any better though. I just don't feel anything.

I'm not writing this because it's the last day of the year and I am reflecting on the year that is about to end. I am writing this because I am looking forward to the new one that's just about to begin.

For years now, I've always found a way to think about you at this time of the year the most. That is not to say I don't think about you any other time because I do. It's like something I don't even have to think hard to think about. You just come up like one of those regular things that I don't notice anymore, perhaps coz it's just naturally there and I never find a reason to question why it's there. I can even think about you with my eyes open, heart closed and my mind clouded. No matter what the situation, the environment, and even sometimes the company, I still think about you.

But why so much during the end of the year? There's only just two reasons. Very simple, in fact. The end of the year signifies another 12 months that I have waited and still have been without you. The start just makes me hopeful for the 12 months that I have that could be spent with you in any way.

I know that's pretty pathetic given the circumstances we're both under in. Not to mention the fact that we live across the globe from each other. Even the 14-hour difference isn't so much compared to how strongly I feel about the year-end and new year in connection to you.

I've loved you for 5 years, if I have to be more precise, then I have loved you for 54 months, 5 days and 22 hours. Obviously, I've been keeping tabs. If I break it down like that, it doesn't seem too much. It just seemed long. A lot of time wasted. Because they were spent waiting, loving, praying, hoping, wishing, wanting, longing. None of which with you.

I still love you. I think that's pretty clear to me, to you, to the world. I am not about to deny anything anymore. There might have been a few interruptions, distractions, detours and crashes but it always seems to end with a U-turn. Back to you. I don't really know if it's because I manipulate everything to simply find the road that would eventually lead me straight back to you. If I were that good, then I would have already found a way to be with you and you with me.

But it's not me. It's you. You still can't be me with me no matter how hard and how much I want you to be with me. In the 54 months, 5 days, 22 hours that have passed me by there was never a clear assurance that I would have to stop counting the months, the days, the hours without you eventually. It just feels that I would be in for more time passing. More waiting, more loving, more praying, more hoping, more wishing, more wanting, more longing. I have never been a patient person at all. But I find a bottomless pit of patience for you. Just when I feel like I might be running on empty already, I raise the bucket and find that it's still always full. It just never runs out.

What do I do now? I don't want to have to hurt anymore, waiting for you and not knowing if you will ever come to me. I know I not only pass the time while I put my life on hold for you. I pass everything else. I never really bother for a shot at some real and tangible happiness because I am always thinking about the one I will share with you. I know it's wrong to be happy for the happiness I feel will happen in the future when I miss out on the happiness I could so fully grasp in my present.

I don't want to be a slave to whatever I feel for you. I think I've chained myself up and for some weird reason, have sentenced myself to life. I've committed myself to you knowing fully well there will never be anything there but just me.

I want to still wait for you. But I need more to go on. I can't just keep coming back to yesterday. I want you in my future. But I need to see you in my present too. I need to understand that you are not just a memory. And that you are not just some destination I will eventually come to when this all comes to its end. I just want you. For me.

I've been in love with you for a long time... Don't think it'll change. I am so sure of it :)

You're the biggest riddle in my life. But the one I am most eager and willing to solve.

Cue music. I follow you. And see... <3

I wonder what is it with you that I never can quite figure out. I always go back. Or maybe I never left. I was just there the whole time, in and out of consciousness.

Suffice it to say that I have always known we would end up together. Although that has not happened yet, I just know, I feel that's how it would be. Or maybe I just wish, hope & pray for it.

I expect us to be together. Not right now though for obvious reasons, but, I cannot think of any other way to spend the rest of my life. It just has to be with you. I would like to think you feel the same way too.

My life has been on pause for far too long. I dare not hit play just because I don't know if I can press rewind or would end up wanting to press forward instead. I am waiting. I have been. And I think I will always choose to wait for you.

So yes, I'm trying... Again. And hopefully, things will be a lot better this time around. I don't want to get my hopes up yet again only to be burned just like before but to try means you have to let go of the hurt it's caused in the past but keep the lesson and understand that things will not always turn out as you expect them to but sometimes, they surprise you in a good way as well. There's nothing to be afraid of. The more it feels real, the more it'll feel like it's worth it too.

So bring it on. I'm ready to take a chance. I'm turning my safety off now.