I've been in love with you for a long time... Don't think it'll change. I am so sure of it :)

You're the biggest riddle in my life. But the one I am most eager and willing to solve.

Cue music. I follow you. And see... <3

I wonder what is it with you that I never can quite figure out. I always go back. Or maybe I never left. I was just there the whole time, in and out of consciousness.

Suffice it to say that I have always known we would end up together. Although that has not happened yet, I just know, I feel that's how it would be. Or maybe I just wish, hope & pray for it.

I expect us to be together. Not right now though for obvious reasons, but, I cannot think of any other way to spend the rest of my life. It just has to be with you. I would like to think you feel the same way too.

My life has been on pause for far too long. I dare not hit play just because I don't know if I can press rewind or would end up wanting to press forward instead. I am waiting. I have been. And I think I will always choose to wait for you.

So yes, I'm trying... Again. And hopefully, things will be a lot better this time around. I don't want to get my hopes up yet again only to be burned just like before but to try means you have to let go of the hurt it's caused in the past but keep the lesson and understand that things will not always turn out as you expect them to but sometimes, they surprise you in a good way as well. There's nothing to be afraid of. The more it feels real, the more it'll feel like it's worth it too.

So bring it on. I'm ready to take a chance. I'm turning my safety off now.

And to think I kept it hidden, like it was one big secret I was nurturing from the beginning. I never really announced his presence in my life to anyone lest I jinx it. But I think, whether everyone knew about him or didn't, it was still bound to end as it did. It's crazy how I think of it as a relationship when it fact it was just a very convenient friendship that could have been something else. Ok, I guess now that it's over, I could just call it that. It was a lot harder giving it a label before as I didn't want to assume nor preempt anything. But regardless how careful I might have been with it, it still backfired. Or I guess, just plainly didn't progress as I had hoped. Not my fault, at least so I rest easy on that one. The fact of the matter is I did try. After a long time of not having been able to open up to anyone else, I made the effort and the time. I invested and tried to work on it as best as I could. It's good to know I have not lost that and that I could still be that kind of person again even after a long while and after everything else,

Perhaps, next time, I should level it up. Yeah, definitely no dating lower than my income, emotional and intellectual bracket. And let's add within my geographical location too. I've learned recently (and unfortunately) that does matter a lot, to some. Hopefully, for the next one, even if it were an issue, it won't be such a complicated concern that can't be addressed.

So, good riddance to men who couldn't see in me what I saw in myself. However, despite this epiphany, men's lame preferences, I know, will continue to devastate me. I have had (and will most likely still have) a series of relationships or potentials for such that will start strong and then end quickly. Because like any acquired taste, I require time and a refined palate to be appreciated.

And appreciated I should most definitely be.

I was actually battling whether to use your name but decided against it, coz unlike you, I am a decent human being who is living the life I want and love and have no hang-ups and emotional baggage that weigh me down. I am genuinely happy for other people's good fortune and successes and unlike you, have no  bitter or ill feelings towards anyone -- friend or not. I know I shouldn't resort to having to dry out your filthy linen out for the public like this, but you have left me this only choice and I can only take thismuch.

But nevertheless, I know who you are, my friends (some of which you probably think are your friends too) and you might have an idea this is all about you. And look, I couldn’t even care less.

Anyway, I just had to get this off my chest because I feel like since everything in my life is changing the way I want it to, I deem it best to just get rid of the excess baggage that is you and your shitload of drama. I didn’t make any New Year’s resolution but I did think about traveling light this year.

I will never fully understand what your beef with me is all about but you know, I am on to you and all the nasty things you’ve been saying about me. I am not angry nor upset because you were never my friend thus you don’t even register as a blip on my radar. But you know, I actually pity you. Pity is not even the word for it. But whatever that word is, I feel that for you. It’s funny how I knew you all along. Funnier too that you think you’ve known me all along when in fact, I didn’t even bother with you. I might have been forced by circumstances to pay you mind but had it been just me, I wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with you. Thankfully now, I don't even have to.

Now, let me just say that despite the things you’ve been saying about me, you’re not the meanest person in the world – don’t give yourself too much credit. Actually, you’re just pathetic and insecure. And I am serious about the “just”. I am just glad, on so many, many levels that I am not you. So I actually understand how horrible it must be being trapped inside the life you have, which makes me more thankful of the life I enjoy so much.

Beautiful daughter, a wonderful family, beautiful friends who are with me through thick and thin (literally, figuratively), amazing people I work with, a job (which I actually love more now, no thanks to you) that lets me enjoy life more. Oh and the freedom to be with whomever I wish to be without the guilt trip and sin. Truly, in my world, love doesn’t cost a thing.

Am I hitting where it hurts? Oh good. I meant that. I guess I can play your game too. I’ve never been one to wear belts but you always seemed to hit right below them. Too bad for you, I hit pretty damn good too. You and your tacky belts. Oh, don’t let me get started on your fashion sense.

I didn’t want this letter to go on and on. I just actually wanted to say, “Shut up, bitch!”  But then again, you are not even worthy of that term “bitch”, it’s too above you so it’s hard to be clever about it and all coz I can’t come up with a derogatory word that would suit you best. Oh well, I won’t even bother anymore.

I just hope you learn to be sincerely happy for other people. I know it’s hard to do that when you can’t even be happy for yourself. But you know what? Perhaps you can just mind your own business and that should start from there. And should there ever be something negative about me you want to say yet again just remember, karma’s a bitch. Now, that is definitely deserving of such.

Despite all these, I wish you well, whatever that is.

Sincerely,

Me