I feel like since the new year started, I'm just spinning around. Too much change this early in the year is already making me dizzy. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. If there's any other word to describe what I am feeling, that would be what I'd use. There's just a lot of things to look forward to that I hope I can still enjoy looking forward to them and not be thrust into enjoying them right away.

I am trying not to think about the change too much. Don't wanna be consumed by it, but I am already worrying about a few things already. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm making the right decision. Or if there should be one in the first place. I've wanted this and I know I deserve it but somehow, I think about what (and who) I am leaving behind and things just start getting messed up for me. I told a friend mixed emotions just mean one thing, there's still uncertainty. I guess that's me lately.

Oh well. Let's just see.

What I remember most distinctly about Dennis in my dreams (yeah, first name basis since he is mine in my dreams I think I've got the right to call him that) is the way he holds my hand. I can't describe it enough for everyone to picture it but he's just holding it in such a way that it's never been held. I won't tell how since those who might wanna hold my hand might steal the idea. LOL.

Anyway, it's just pretty weird why I've been having these dreams. And no, I don't even watch Gagambino (his latest fantaserye). I really have no idea why him or why at all. Sure I like him a lot. I've been crushing on him since I got pregnant with Ananya and has been pointing him to Ananya when I see him on TV saying he's Daddy. LOL. But it's just so strange to be having Dennis Dreams (I've given my dream series a name) when I don't even think about him before bed or any other given time of the day. Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe Dennis Trillo is really meant for me. Haha. Ok, I think I've been having too much dreams that I even dream when awake.

But seriously, what could the dreams mean?! Not that they have to mean anything. I just enjoy having them :)

Now that I've bought loved ones and friends who made it to The List presents for the Holidays, I've the rest of the spending money all to myself, and Ananya! I can buy a new phone (I need a new one, seriously -- Ananya's been playing with my phone which means a lot of throwing, banging & stuff). So I will be buying a new one. I've a few models in mind but none would fit my allotted budget though, so I'm rethinking either the phone or budget. Haha.

Ok, so lately I've been feeling waves and waves (tsunami-like, sometimes) of nostalgia hitting me where it hurts. I dunno why and how come these 2 people who used to be a big part of my life (sometimes, I feel, they still so strongly are) just decided to pop back like they never went MIA in the first place. I know I should've just kept the door closed and locked but I couldn't help but leave the key under the mat where they always knew it was hidden. I guess when you still expect some people to come back in your life, you do that.

Anyway, so they're back. Or somehow, they are. Like they never left. Like nothing changed. It's just weird because everything has changed for each one of us. Big changes, not just small, irrelevant and unnoticeable changes. I shouldn't be listening to any of their BS but I guess the stupid in me wants to, and does. I guess when you still have hope in your heart that things will turn out the way you always thought they would, you do that.

I've been watching too many telenovelas to believe my life is one big telenovela. That all the impossibilites are nothing but events that are purposely created to draw the crowd, to bring out the characters' personalities, to show growth and depth, to build up the story so that the climax, the finale, the ending would be memorable and would rake in the most ratings. I'm deluded. I guess when you believe that eveything that happens is for a reason, you start believing in the reason you choose. I do that.

Gosh, this afternoon, when I was on my way to work, I had the unfortunate experience to be in a shuttle filled with couples who were just too obviously and giddily in love. Holding hands, stolen kisses, back rubs, heads on someone's shoulders. I felt out of place. I felt like I was the only one there who was without anyone, uhmm, I actually was. It sucks. I am not the one to feel jealous of such kind of PDAs but I suddenly felt strongly and irrationally sad. It didn't help that I was listening to my Slash-Yer-Wrist playlist on Pipo, my iPod. It was just good timing I was sitting by the window so I could pretend to be in some badly-edited, poorly-directed and low-budgeted music video. It would've been perfect if there was rain, too.

I guess the Holidays always bring out some sort of immense feelings of sadness for someone who doesn't have anyone. Don't get me wrong, Ananya fills me up in a way I know no one will ever be able to and will but lately, it's been feeling pretty cold and chilly where I am, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, it feels too cold and chilly. I guess, it'll be more so as the Holiday draws closer.

Maybe, and hopefully, next year, it won't be this cold and chilly.

**S.A.D Syndrome -- Seasonal Affective Disorder, dunno if that really exists but I remember JP and I use it a lot everytime there's a big season -- Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's, birthdays....

It's not that I have nothing to blog about. In fact, so many things have happened the past few months that I feel like swimming in days and weeks gone by. Too much has happened and I don't know if I've already taken them all in. Or if I'm even ready to start talking about some, especially our family's recent loss. Oh well. I guess not today. Not yet.

On a lighter note, it'll be Mothers' Day in a week's time. To say I am excited is an understatement. Although I don't feel like I am already a full-pledged mother coz my daughter's just 7 months old but you know, everytime I look at her (which is always -- unless of course I am away at work), I feel like I'm meant to do this. This meaning be her Mum. It's so amazing how a little person can just make you totally different from who you were, who you think you are. I am not saying I've become a better person although I honestly think I'm different in a lot of better ways. I've finally found something, someone, to put all my energy and passion into. I've found direction and focus. And of course, that'll be my baby girl.

No, I was not lost. Just coz I am saying I've found myself now it doesn't mean I was lost before. I guess you could say, I was wandering aimlessly. Funny. That seems pretty lost to me. Haha. But anyway, having Ananya changed me in huge ways. I just feel I am better now. Lighter, less complicated (although that could be debatable in some aspects). I believe I've developed into the kind of person that I didn't think I want to be but, well, I am now and I can't imagine being anyone else. It's all good. She's the love of my life. The one I've been hoping and dreaming of. I feel lucky. I am lucky.

I finally know where the sun shines from. And it's from this little angel I come home to everyday :)

9. OLD ENEMY/S YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR:
No one comes to mind. Not that I didn't make peace with "enemies" but it's just I don't remember having any to begin with.

10. SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR:
Chinggay. God bless her soul. Oh, and just last night, Lolo Ben Ibones. Bless his soul.

11. PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR:
Just to be fair to those i can't mention, I'd rather not say who... but I think they know who they are...Haha.

12. PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST:
Ananya. She brought genuine laughter into my life. And I am sure to others as well.
My friends always make me laugh -- JP, Kyle, Stef, Mikes B & G, Anne, Brenda...

13. PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY:
I don't remember crying over a person this year.

14. PERSON YOU DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH:
Steph Schuck. But thanks to both our babies, we turned out good friends!

15. PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR:
There's Minh... As in from the past few years and this entire year, and still counting...I can't think of anyone else relevant enough to mention. 

16. SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO:
I already have but I still feel it's not enough, my parents.

17. PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH:
I don't really think I ever went out on dates this year. But there's always JP, Kyle, Stef, Brenda, Mikes B & G, Jeremy, Anne, etc... The usual suspects :)

18. FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH A LOT:
JP, Stef, Mike B, Mike G, Jeremy, Anne

19. COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR:
ANANYA SKYE

STUFF:

1. CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE THE MOST THIS YEAR:
Maternity Clothes. Duh!

2. NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR:
My darling little girl :)

3. FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR:
Beautiful Days by Kyla (sure it came out last year but I loved it so much this year, what I'd sing to Ananya when she was still in my tummy)

4. COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR:
September 25, 2007

5. NEW HOBBY YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR:
Shopping for maternity clothes and eventually, baby clothes. Hehe.

6. BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR:
What To Expect When You're Expecting. Super duper helpful!

7. BEST MOVIE:
I didn't get to watch too many movies but here's my top 3:
3. Ocean's 13
2. Knocked Up (how timely, LOL)
1. Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix
I'd say Transformers, 300, Spiderman 3, etc. but I never really got to watch any of them. Boo-hoo!

8. MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
There's too many to mention. But I guess the most recent failed Manila Pen coup tops it all -- curfews, anyone!?

9. FAVORITE FOOD OF THE YEAR:
I rediscovered my sweet-tooth! Donuts!!!

10. FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR:
Rihanna (or has she been around long?! haha!)

LESSONS

1. WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
Kept the baby. Ditched someone.

2. STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
Almost wanted to give up. Thanks to Post-partum depression. Duh.

3. BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR:
From a single hot chick to a single yummy mummy (haha, single pa rin!?)

4. BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR:
Pregnancy 100, Giving Birth 101 and Motherhood 102

5. SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY:
Sex may lead to pregnancy which definitely leads to excruciating little earthquakes called labor pains... But then the best reward would be having a healthy and gorgeous baby!

6. GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR ABOUT:
A. LOVE - You can love someone you've never met. And love them more when you already do.
B. LIFE - Everything happens for a reason. And every child is indeed a wonderful blessing.

7. BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR:
The joke's not on me.

8. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:
None!!!! Yey!!!

9. BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR:
My baby girl, my family, my friends, my job... Life in general!

10. BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD:
That a little girl holds so many answers to a lot of my questions.

11. BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL:
That the only difference between making it work and failing is the word TRY.

LASTLY...

1. GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEXT YEAR:
Be a good mummy for Ananya. Take the LET and pass it. Work on migration papers. Go back to school, again. Oh and go another level higher at work.

2. PREDICTIONS FOR NEXT YEAR, ON:
A. LOVE - I will finally meet that one person who will rock my world. And steady it at the same time. (Or perhaps I already have met him. We just didn't know it yet.)
B. CAREER - That I have more options than what I already have. Life isn't just about work and what happens or doesn't in the office. I am happy with what's here and now. If I plan to be something else other than who I am now, then I would be it.

Back to the fluorescent-lighted, drab four corners of the office again tomorrow and back to working with people I'd rather not have in my life at all. Well, some of them actually.

I'm not happy. I wish I could stay like this for a long time. Not forever. Just for a long time.

I'm not exactly sure if I'm excited or scared. I guess I'm anxious. I woke up today dreading well, today. It's like the end of a beginning. I don't know. I was in bed for a long time, listening to and ignoring Ananya's coos and little sounds, thinking of the office.

I can't picture myself in it anymore. I feel like I've been so domesticated that I no longer belong anywhere else but at home and that no one else needs me aside from my daughter. I've been so good at feeding her, burping her, bathing her, changing her diapers, cleaning her bottles, preparing her formula, putting her to sleep & all these mommy stuff I used to smirk on but now have almost gotten the hang of. I don't know if I can do anything else anymore.

I spent a good 10 minutes trying to remember my logins, my passwords and everything else I used to do in the office and I don't know if I should be scared or relieved that I don't remember them at all. Isn't it amazing how two months can just fly by and make you a totally different human being like that?

If only I didn't need to go back. But I have to. For Ananya. For myself. I know I need this. I want this. As much as I love my daughter, I don't just want to be her mother. I want to be someone else. I don't want to be defined just as Ananya's mommy. Sure, that makes my world but I want to have another world that is just all about me. Is that selfish? To just want to get away from being a mommy sometimes and just be me without the appendage of a responsibility to anyone? I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget that I define me. That I can be someone's mommy and still be someone else.

I'm getting the heebeejeebees. I have issues. It sure feels like my first day of school tomorrow and I am this little scared schoolgirl who doesn't have any friends and doesn't know the big fat overbearing teacher who smiles down at her & gives her cookies.

I think it's reversed. Ananya's my mommy & I'm the baby who just doesn't want to let go.