Femme Fatale

Thoughts on a Sunday...

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 12:25:35 GMT

There's so much to be said about new beginnings. Of starting over. But very little about leaving things behind. Especially people, behind.

My sister Hannah has finally embarked on a new adventure of her own, getting married. It's been a life-long dream of hers & I admire her for being able to go through with it. She's the first in the 5 of us to do so (as has been predicted & expected ever since, if I may say so). Her wedding was beautiful. It was a reunion of friends and family in celebration of the life she chose to live. I could certainly say she's happy & knowing that, I know she will do great in this new adventure of hers.

And of course, it got me thinking about my own (or whatever). A lot of my friends have gotten married, are engaged & about to get married, while others are in very secure & stable relationships that will most likely culminate in a wedding too. As much as I like weddings, I actually don't feel like I want one. Honestly. It's just too much for me. Too much drama, too much hype. I feel if (I don't wanna say when since I really am ambivalent about it) I get married, I'd rather just elope & do away with all the wedding planning. I know it must be fun & all but I realize, it's not my cup of tea. I don't want the drama. I don't want the roller coaster and merry-go-round of emotions, the tug-of-war of this and that, planning a wedding is. It's just that or I am simply not the marrying type at all. I've settled that piece within myself a long time ago.

A long time ago too, I remember someone asked me what my dream wedding was. I couldn't even think of any single detail. Not a dress, not a motif, not a church, no nothing. Then, I realized, I didn't even care. I have never been that girl who planned her wedding in detail. I might have thought about it once in a while but never that it was like a mission or anything. And that's when it hit me, I don't mind not getting married, at all. I know a lot of people would feel different things about that statement but hey, to each his own. I have great respect for people who commit to a lifetime with the one they've chosen. I may not believe in it most of the time but I allow myself to not be caged in the concept of that. I am not jaded, but I just don't see a life lived with someone very fulfilling more than the one I could live fully on my own with my daughter.

But that in itself proves to be such a difficult thing to maneuver. I never really planned on having a kid in my life. In fact, I planned to be child-less for as long as I can remember. I never had grand visions of myself with children or anything like that. Kids likes me, I liked kids -- as long as they're not mine. But all that changed with the entry of Ananya in my life. Sure, she's the only kid I like and now I can't imagine a life without her. It's weird how little accidents can completely change you.

So all I'm saying, perhaps I don't want to get married coz I don't have anyone. I might sing a different tune when someone comes along. But there's been a few who've come & gone and I honestly never had grand dreams of love and forever with any of them save for one. Oh well, there's really nothing to change my mind at this point. But once there is, I won't be shy about it.

An Open Letter to Thou-Who-Cannot-Be-Named

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 05:14:27 GMT

Dear Washed Out,

I was actually battling whether to use your name but decided against it, coz unlike you, I am a decent human being who is living the life I want and love and have no hang-ups and emotional baggage that weigh me down. I am genuinely happy for other people's good fortune and successes and unlike you, have no bitter or ill feelings towards anyone -- friend or not. I know I shouldn't resort to having to dry out your filthy linen out for the public like this, but you have left me this only choice and I can only take thismuch.

But nevertheless, I know who you are, my friends (some of which you probably think are your friends too) and you might have an idea this is all about you. And look, I couldn�t even care less.

Anyway, I just had to get this off my chest because I feel like since everything in my life is changing the way I want it to, I deem it best to just get rid of the excess baggage that is you and your shitload of drama. I didn�t make any New Year�s resolution but I did think about traveling light this year.

I will never fully understand what your beef with me is all about but you know, I am on to you and all the nasty things you�ve been saying about me. I am not angry nor upset because you were never my friend thus you don�t even register as a blip on my radar. But you know, I actually pity you. Pity is not even the word for it. But whatever that word is, I feel that for you. It�s funny how I knew you all along. Funnier too that you think you�ve known me all along when in fact, I didn�t even bother with you. I might have been forced by circumstances to pay you mind but had it been just me, I wouldn�t have wanted anything to do with you. Thankfully now, I don't even have to.

Now, let me just say that despite the things you�ve been saying about me, you�re not the meanest person in the world � don�t give yourself too much credit. Actually, you�re just pathetic and insecure. And I am serious about the �just�. I am just glad, on so many, many levels that I am not you. So I actually understand how horrible it must be being trapped inside the life you have, which makes me more thankful of the life I enjoy so much.

Beautiful daughter, a wonderful family, beautiful friends who are with me through thick and thin (literally, figuratively), amazing people I work with, a job (which I actually love more now, no thanks to you) that lets me enjoy life more. Oh and the freedom to be with whomever I wish to be without the guilt trip and sin. Truly, in my world, love doesn�t cost a thing.

Am I hitting where it hurts? Oh good. I meant that. I guess I can play your game too. I�ve never been one to wear belts but you always seemed to hit right below them. Too bad for you, I hit pretty damn good too. You and your tacky belts. Oh, don�t let me get started on your fashion sense.

I didn�t want this letter to go on and on. I just actually wanted to say, �Shut up, bitch!� But then again, you are not even worthy of that term �bitch�, it�s too above you so it�s hard to be clever about it and all coz I can�t come up with a derogatory word that would suit you best. Oh well, I won�t even bother anymore.

I just hope you learn to be sincerely happy for other people. I know it�s hard to do that when you can�t even be happy for yourself. But you know what? Perhaps you can just mind your own business and that should start from there. And should there ever be something negative about me you want to say yet again just remember, karma�s a bitch. Now, that is definitely deserving of such.

Despite all these, I wish you well, whatever that is.

Sincerely,

Spinning Around

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 05:14:33 GMT

A few days into the new year's and things are definitely already changing.

I feel like since the new year started, I'm just spinning around. Too much change this early in the year is already making me dizzy. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. If there's any other word to describe what I am feeling, that would be what I'd use. There's just a lot of things to look forward to that I hope I can still enjoy looking forward to them and not be thrust into enjoying them right away.

I am trying not to think about the change too much. Don't wanna be consumed by it, but I am already worrying about a few things already. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm making the right decision. Or if there should be one in the first place. I've wanted this and I know I deserve it but somehow, I think about what (and who) I am leaving behind and things just start getting messed up for me. I told a friend mixed emotions just mean one thing, there's still uncertainty. I guess that's me lately.

Oh well. Let's just see.

Do You Dream In Color Too?

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 03:31:47 GMT

For the past few nights, I've been dreaming of Dennis Trillo, yes the actor. Like literal dreams. Not just day-dreaming. In my dreams, yeah I've been having sequence and series dreams that even when I already wake up, once I hit the pillows again, the dreams just continue as if it were some telenovela. As I was saying, in my dreams, Dennis and I were so much in love. As in sickeningly in love. I still remember the details of the dreams. They're just too vivid. And weird. I remember they were in color too.

What I remember most distinctly about Dennis in my dreams (yeah, first name basis since he is mine in my dreams I think I've got the right to call him that) is the way he holds my hand. I can't describe it enough for everyone to picture it but he's just holding it in such a way that it's never been held. I won't tell how since those who might wanna hold my hand might steal the idea. LOL.

Anyway, it's just pretty weird why I've been having these dreams. And no, I don't even watch Gagambino (his latest fantaserye). I really have no idea why him or why at all. Sure I like him a lot. I've been crushing on him since I got pregnant with Ananya and has been pointing him to Ananya when I see him on TV saying he's Daddy. LOL. But it's just so strange to be having Dennis Dreams (I've given my dream series a name) when I don't even think about him before bed or any other given time of the day. Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe Dennis Trillo is really meant for me. Haha. Ok, I think I've been having too much dreams that I even dream when awake.

But seriously, what could the dreams mean?! Not that they have to mean anything. I just enjoy having them :)

Rubber bands

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 08:49:44 GMT

I remember an old friend who told me about Rubber band boyfriends...

I've had a few. Well, they're mostly rubber-band exes, now, though.

It's just funny the thought of some people who would do whatever just to stretch as far away as possible from you only to bounce back to you when they've received that maximum distance/strength.

And then they start stretching away again. Again and again.

Life. It is so different yet it remains just the same.

Or I guess, in this case, that applies to Men. They try to be different, yet they never change.

Funny, if you ask me.

Frustrating, but still very funny.

The S.A.D Syndrome strikes again!

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:10:03 GMT

And so I've done my Christmas shopping. I went to accompany my mom & sisters to Divisoria. If you know me, you'd be surprised why I went. LOL. I had to. I didn't have that much to spend -- I've realized I spend way too much on Ananya already and I'd just rather spend most of the money I have on her, still -- so I need good deals! And good deals I got! In half a day, I've crossed out all the names on my shopping list! :)

Now that I've bought loved ones and friends who made it to The List presents for the Holidays, I've the rest of the spending money all to myself, and Ananya! I can buy a new phone (I need a new one, seriously -- Ananya's been playing with my phone which means a lot of throwing, banging & stuff). So I will be buying a new one. I've a few models in mind but none would fit my allotted budget though, so I'm rethinking either the phone or budget. Haha.

Ok, so lately I've been feeling waves and waves (tsunami-like, sometimes) of nostalgia hitting me where it hurts. I dunno why and how come these 2 people who used to be a big part of my life (sometimes, I feel, they still so strongly are) just decided to pop back like they never went MIA in the first place. I know I should've just kept the door closed and locked but I couldn't help but leave the key under the mat where they always knew it was hidden. I guess when you still expect some people to come back in your life, you do that.

Anyway, so they're back. Or somehow, they are. Like they never left. Like nothing changed. It's just weird because everything has changed for each one of us. Big changes, not just small, irrelevant and unnoticeable changes. I shouldn't be listening to any of their BS but I guess the stupid in me wants to, and does. I guess when you still have hope in your heart that things will turn out the way you always thought they would, you do that.

I've been watching too many telenovelas to believe my life is one big telenovela. That all the impossibilites are nothing but events that are purposely created to draw the crowd, to bring out the characters' personalities, to show growth and depth, to build up the story so that the climax, the finale, the ending would be memorable and would rake in the most ratings. I'm deluded. I guess when you believe that eveything that happens is for a reason, you start believing in the reason you choose. I do that.

Gosh, this afternoon, when I was on my way to work, I had the unfortunate experience to be in a shuttle filled with couples who were just too obviously and giddily in love. Holding hands, stolen kisses, back rubs, heads on someone's shoulders. I felt out of place. I felt like I was the only one there who was without anyone, uhmm, I actually was. It sucks. I am not the one to feel jealous of such kind of PDAs but I suddenly felt strongly and irrationally sad. It didn't help that I was listening to my Slash-Yer-Wrist playlist on Pipo, my iPod. It was just good timing I was sitting by the window so I could pretend to be in some badly-edited, poorly-directed and low-budgeted music video. It would've been perfect if there was rain, too.

I guess the Holidays always bring out some sort of immense feelings of sadness for someone who doesn't have anyone. Don't get me wrong, Ananya fills me up in a way I know no one will ever be able to and will but lately, it's been feeling pretty cold and chilly where I am, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, it feels too cold and chilly. I guess, it'll be more so as the Holiday draws closer.

Maybe, and hopefully, next year, it won't be this cold and chilly.

**S.A.D Syndrome -- Seasonal Affective Disorder, dunno if that really exists but I remember JP and I use it a lot everytime there's a big season -- Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's, birthdays....

I'm back! I think :)

Fri, 02 May 2008 16:35:14 GMT

It's been ages since I've blogged here. I miss this place. This is like the place not everyone knows I keep. Sort of like a secret garden. A silent sanctuary if I want to be poetic about it.

It's not that I have nothing to blog about. In fact, so many things have happened the past few months that I feel like swimming in days and weeks gone by. Too much has happened and I don't know if I've already taken them all in. Or if I'm even ready to start talking about some, especially our family's recent loss. Oh well. I guess not today. Not yet.

On a lighter note, it'll be Mothers' Day in a week's time. To say I am excited is an understatement. Although I don't feel like I am already a full-pledged mother coz my daughter's just 7 months old but you know, everytime I look at her (which is always -- unless of course I am away at work), I feel like I'm meant to do this. This meaning be her Mum. It's so amazing how a little person can just make you totally different from who you were, who you think you are. I am not saying I've become a better person although I honestly think I'm different in a lot of better ways. I've finally found something, someone, to put all my energy and passion into. I've found direction and focus. And of course, that'll be my baby girl.

No, I was not lost. Just coz I am saying I've found myself now it doesn't mean I was lost before. I guess you could say, I was wandering aimlessly. Funny. That seems pretty lost to me. Haha. But anyway, having Ananya changed me in huge ways. I just feel I am better now. Lighter, less complicated (although that could be debatable in some aspects). I believe I've developed into the kind of person that I didn't think I want to be but, well, I am now and I can't imagine being anyone else. It's all good. She's the love of my life. The one I've been hoping and dreaming of. I feel lucky. I am lucky.

I finally know where the sun shines from. And it's from this little angel I come home to everyday :)

Year-End Survey 2007

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 00:56:36 GMT

So much has happened this 2007 that I couldn't even believe it was all just in one year... I've plucked out this survey somewhere from blogosphere and I will try my best to answer with all honesty... I just want to see if I can encapsulate my 2007 in these sets of questions...

Name: Ivah Denise Singson Barrera
AGE: 26 years and 9 months

1. PLACE YOU HUNG OUT MOST IN THIS YEAR:
I couldn't really say hung out but I was mostly in and out of hospitals for regular check-ups and actual deliveries. And then mostly at home after I gave birth...Thank you Maternity Leave!

2. FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED:
San Juan De Dios Hospital. It's not a new place or anything but it has a different meaning to me now other than just where my Tatay & Nanay would normally be confined in. It's where my daughter was born!

3. PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES:
I don't remember having been on any "dates" this year... But I guess I can just say ATC, as usual.

4. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT FOR THE YEAR:
Cebu and Bohol. Went there when I was 5 months pregnant with my family.

5. PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN THIS YEAR:
Hahaha. Next quesion please...

PEOPLE:

1. PEOPLE WHO TAUGHT YOU A LOT THIS YEAR:
My parents. My grandparents. My Ninong & Tita Nining. And of course, Ananya.

2. AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR:
I can't think of anyone eh.

3. PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF:
JP (my pick-me up friend of all time, the love yourself guru)

4. PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU AND WHAT:
My parents will always appear in this category year after year... And I'd say Ananya. She turned me into someone I never thought I could ever be or want...

5. PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR:
Tatay, Nanay, Ananya, Stef.

6. PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR AND WHAT:
Hmmm, I don't know how great is great. But I guess carrying her for 9 months, going through 24 hours of labor only to end up having CS -- hands down, it's my daughter.

7. SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR:
Hmmm... No one really. If I wanted to talk to anyone, I would. I could. I have.

8. SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS YEAR:
A lot of people. New trainers from work. People from the WWW. Thanks to Multiply for that!

9. OLD ENEMY/S YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR:
No one comes to mind. Not that I didn't make peace with "enemies" but it's just I don't remember having any to begin with.

10. SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR:
Chinggay. God bless her soul. Oh, and just last night, Lolo Ben Ibones. Bless his soul.

11. PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR:
Just to be fair to those i can't mention, I'd rather not say who... but I think they know who they are...Haha.

12. PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST:
Ananya. She brought genuine laughter into my life. And I am sure to others as well.
My friends always make me laugh -- JP, Kyle, Stef, Mikes B & G, Anne, Brenda...

13. PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY:
I don't remember crying over a person this year.

14. PERSON YOU DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH:
Steph Schuck. But thanks to both our babies, we turned out good friends!

15. PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR:
There's Minh... As in from the past few years and this entire year, and still counting...I can't think of anyone else relevant enough to mention.

16. SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO:
I already have but I still feel it's not enough, my parents.

17. PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH:
I don't really think I ever went out on dates this year. But there's always JP, Kyle, Stef, Brenda, Mikes B & G, Jeremy, Anne, etc... The usual suspects :)

18. FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH A LOT:
JP, Stef, Mike B, Mike G, Jeremy, Anne

19. COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR:
ANANYA SKYE

STUFF:

1. CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE THE MOST THIS YEAR:
Maternity Clothes. Duh!

2. NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR:
My darling little girl :)

3. FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR:
Beautiful Days by Kyla (sure it came out last year but I loved it so much this year, what I'd sing to Ananya when she was still in my tummy)

4. COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR:
September 25, 2007

5. NEW HOBBY YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR:
Shopping for maternity clothes and eventually, baby clothes. Hehe.

6. BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR:
What To Expect When You're Expecting. Super duper helpful!

7. BEST MOVIE:
I didn't get to watch too many movies but here's my top 3:
3. Ocean's 13
2. Knocked Up (how timely, LOL)
1. Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix
I'd say Transformers, 300, Spiderman 3, etc. but I never really got to watch any of them. Boo-hoo!

8. MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
There's too many to mention. But I guess the most recent failed Manila Pen coup tops it all -- curfews, anyone!?

9. FAVORITE FOOD OF THE YEAR:
I rediscovered my sweet-tooth! Donuts!!!

10. FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR:
Rihanna (or has she been around long?! haha!)

LESSONS

1. WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
Kept the baby. Ditched someone.

2. STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
Almost wanted to give up. Thanks to Post-partum depression. Duh.

3. BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR:
From a single hot chick to a single yummy mummy (haha, single pa rin!?)

4. BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR:
Pregnancy 100, Giving Birth 101 and Motherhood 102

5. SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY:
Sex may lead to pregnancy which definitely leads to excruciating little earthquakes called labor pains... But then the best reward would be having a healthy and gorgeous baby!

6. GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR ABOUT:
A. LOVE - You can love someone you've never met. And love them more when you already do.
B. LIFE - Everything happens for a reason. And every child is indeed a wonderful blessing.

7. BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR:
The joke's not on me.

8. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:
None!!!! Yey!!!

9. BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR:
My baby girl, my family, my friends, my job... Life in general!

10. BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD:
That a little girl holds so many answers to a lot of my questions.

11. BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL:
That the only difference between making it work and failing is the word TRY.

LASTLY...

1. GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEXT YEAR:
Be a good mummy for Ananya. Take the LET and pass it. Work on migration papers. Go back to school, again. Oh and go another level higher at work.

2. PREDICTIONS FOR NEXT YEAR, ON:
A. LOVE - I will finally meet that one person who will rock my world. And steady it at the same time. (Or perhaps I already have met him. We just didn't know it yet.)
B. CAREER - That I have more options than what I already have. Life isn't just about work and what happens or doesn't in the office. I am happy with what's here and now. If I plan to be something else other than who I am now, then I would be it.

I'm back. Almost.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 09:05:48 GMT

Last day of my ML today.

Back to the fluorescent-lighted, drab four corners of the office again tomorrow and back to working with people I'd rather not have in my life at all. Well, some of them actually.

I'm not happy. I wish I could stay like this for a long time. Not forever. Just for a long time.

I'm not exactly sure if I'm excited or scared. I guess I'm anxious. I woke up today dreading well, today. It's like the end of a beginning. I don't know. I was in bed for a long time, listening to and ignoring Ananya's coos and little sounds, thinking of the office.

I can't picture myself in it anymore. I feel like I've been so domesticated that I no longer belong anywhere else but at home and that no one else needs me aside from my daughter. I've been so good at feeding her, burping her, bathing her, changing her diapers, cleaning her bottles, preparing her formula, putting her to sleep & all these mommy stuff I used to smirk on but now have almost gotten the hang of. I don't know if I can do anything else anymore.

I spent a good 10 minutes trying to remember my logins, my passwords and everything else I used to do in the office and I don't know if I should be scared or relieved that I don't remember them at all. Isn't it amazing how two months can just fly by and make you a totally different human being like that?

If only I didn't need to go back. But I have to. For Ananya. For myself. I know I need this. I want this. As much as I love my daughter, I don't just want to be her mother. I want to be someone else. I don't want to be defined just as Ananya's mommy. Sure, that makes my world but I want to have another world that is just all about me. Is that selfish? To just want to get away from being a mommy sometimes and just be me without the appendage of a responsibility to anyone? I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget that I define me. That I can be someone's mommy and still be someone else.

I'm getting the heebeejeebees. I have issues. It sure feels like my first day of school tomorrow and I am this little scared schoolgirl who doesn't have any friends and doesn't know the big fat overbearing teacher who smiles down at her & gives her cookies.

I think it's reversed. Ananya's my mommy & I'm the baby who just doesn't want to let go.

The Love of My Life

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 02:22:37 GMT